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Talk:Dietrich von Swells/@comment-32799215-20171124111537
Here are points of criticism I found while reading this character page: - I don't believe you can claim your family to be the owners of the River Village. It's a bit more of a map where claiming such high statuses of land or so are usually done in official groups, or if not in a rank, then they are not handed to anyone, at all. You can usually be a noble, though it's usually just left at that to be vague instead of someone claiming to own a large portion of property like a whole village. Furthermore, at most, only select houses can currently be "owned" by a player (although that is only viable in the Eastern and Western kingdoms). - When you say he played in the "nearby" forest, you should know that both forests are actually rather far from the town; requiring travels accross the map to actually get to them. The whole continent that it takes place in is technically a scaled-down version of its true size, so in reality, getting to the closest large forest would take days or even weeks. - Once again, making bold claims like being a known vassal in a fan-created character page is a bit excessive, so at least make sure to back it up with an admin or the person who plays said character. I'm not sure if you got insight from Vehron, but since he's been busy and hasn't ever mentioned having vassals, I'd suggest you ask him first in order to make sure it's alright and make sure there're no surprises to him. - " Dietrich joined his father from the time he was eighteen in his campaigns, and quickly showed his prowess in mounted polearms and archery." This is just me, but showing skills at such a young age and too quickly without enough training seems like you're just putting your character on a pedestal. It's better to note the struggles and training they went through the get to where they are, and make it seem like something earned; something to be proud of. I'm not asking for your child to have trained like some Roman Warrior God from the age of 4 and lifting weights each day or anything, but maybe extend the time it takes for your character to become adept with a weapon. - When you say that Swells and his father "fought against beasts" to protect the village, what do you mean? Although there are a few monsters in the lore as it currently stands, it's mostly just normal animals. I don't think wolves or other creatures would stray too close to a village in the grasslands with some trees in it. Oh, and if you mean ogres and trolls, they mostly stay away from civilization. - Is 70 men a "small" party? Just asking, because I have no clue, but it sounds like quite a large group of warriors. Also, even as a noble, do you think he'd be able to afford to hire that many men to go on a campaign with him? - Speaking of nobles, I don't believe many nobles would live in a village outside of Centralia. The highest level of nobility in those towns may be mayors or so, and they'd likely be at the lowest level of nobility. Sure, they'd be wealthy (depending on the status of the town), but I don't think they'd be as rich as the nobles within the capital. - I don't think you can lead men up North to fight the "undead," as they aren't usually just walking around. Sure, there're morphs and a wiki page for undead monsters, but they are currently being reworked a bit, and even before that, they were stated to be rare to the point of not many people ever seeing them. I doubt they'd be in the North due to it being too cold, but as it stands, necromancers are the only ones who can raise the dead, and even they're pretty rare. I don't think you can launch a campaign to fight even a few undead that'd likely be hard to find by many people, let alone groups of them. - "Dietrich von Swells is an ectomorph, or tall and slender. Yet, he is notably strong for his size, and able to contend with those that have more athletic builds." This is not going to be met well with most players in the community, as they have expressed distaste at tall people who're somehow stronger than those with more muscles. Sure, he may be tall, but these two sentences give off a vibe that just says to others "here's a character who is simply made to be good at combat and to be good at everything." I know that's not what you intended, but it's better to flesh them out with some shortcomings and admit if they lack anything, whether it's a knight or not. Don't be afraid to give them more personality rather than just being sad for having their parents killed or seeming like someone else who's just known a life of training and combat. - I'm a bit confused form the transition where he was depressed and cast himself into exile in the forest to where he suddenly travels around Trepheon. Also, just going out of the blue and visiting the capital and even going to participate in tournaments sounds like a character you may just use for events. It's not bad, I suppose, but don't forget to talk about the transition a bit more, as well as talking more about their travels and what they may have learned. - "He has blue eyes and fair skin, both traits of Rivertown natives." I don't think this has been specified anywhere, but correct me if I'm wrong, please. Usually in the wiki, we're not allowed to create some facts that haven't been otherwise specified in the lore, small or not. - "Dietrich wears his coat of arms proudly, and under that a suit of mail, brigandine, and gambeson tunic." I'm not too big an expert on armor, but won't that get a bit heavy or at the very least, be too hot? I don't know the thickness of brigandine or gambeson, but isn't it a bit excessive? - That was a nice description of the Zweihander sword before this; it was nice to get an idea of how it looked like without knowing it. I'd also suggest a picture of one if you want to go the extra mile. - "The sword is 5'4" in length and 8 pounds in weight, making it slower than a normal two-hander, but more powerful and allowing it to easily crush small swords with sheer force." The actual dimensions and weight of the sword are fine, but for the record, you cannot, in RP, go "I crushed his sword," as it may be seen as a form of destruction and powerplay. - "He also uses a bow made of oak, and cysteel tipped arrows. While they do not go as far, he is often seen fighting on horseback, and they are used for close range, high penetration combat." It may help to specify the type of bow and its draw weight, but it was nice for you to mention the range. Though the deal-breakers are the cysteel-tipped arrows. Here is a link to the materials page. If you scroll down to the "Cysteel" description, you can see it's found in the barren North and it's rare to begin with. You really could've have cysteel arrows, as the material itself is too rare and very hard to obtain in harsh conditions, not to mention losing the arrows when you shoot them is always an issue. - "While he is not often seen with it, he also uses a lance and shield with his coat of arms quite frequently on horseback" I recall you mentioned using polearms, before, but with a two-handed sword, a shield, a (presumably heavy) lance, that's going to require a lot of practice for a 28-year old knight/ warrior. I'd say that they would need to be a lot older, and even then you'd probably be only decent with each weapon; mastering a single weapon takes years of specialization and skill to hone them without getting rusty. That's all I have to say. Read through it when you can.